One-day-at-a-time..........

   Well, we are home from most of our traveling.  We had a great time.  It was a long, exhausting month, but I think we all needed it.  It gave us time for us...just to be with each other and while yes, we had a destination in mind that day, and we had a certain amount of time to get there, our day's were fun filled and eye opening.  

  You see, Sept 9th is coming up pretty fast.   It REALLY doesn't seem like it has been a year but it has.  In the last year, I have done pretty much nothing.   About this time last year, I had our school year all planned out, I mean organized down to what we were going to do in 15 min increments...(because according to the Charlotte Mason style of teaching, that is the best way to do it...no more than 15 min so the child doesn't lose focus..right?)    Well, on Sept 9th, my school schedule went out the window.... we didn't do school for three months...  Don't get me wrong, we tried.  We would get up and say our prayers...mostly half heartedly  because it is hard to pray to a God who let your son die.  (Don't judge me because of my feelings during grief).    We would do our daily Bible reading.  The kids would ask questions that I still don't have the answers to.  We would move on to handwriting....and that is where our day started to really unravel...because that was about as long as we could go without crying.   So we put the school books on the shelf.   We enjoyed snuggling, playing, crying....answering questions the best way I knew how...going on trips with Daddy, buying cows :)  and just being us.  

We still have not gotten back into the school routine....we may never do "school" as most see it.  We have a different perspective on life now.  I know they have to learn how to read, write, add, subtract and all that...I know they need an education.  But they also need LOVE, PATIENCE, ATTENTION.  They need to know that Momma is ok.  That Daddy is ok.  That they are ok.  That yes, we miss our bubba Jack....we always will, but that we are going to be ok.    They need to know that even though Momma does not have all the answers, not even close...that I will try to help them sort through their emotions when they need me too....and not "in a minute".     It's hard to make myself get up at 6 a.m. and have my quiet time..because if I am awake at 6:30 (the time when we believe with all our hearts that Jack died), a feeling I have yet to put a word to hits me and I just cannot stand it.  So I sleep in until 6:30 when I awake automatically anyway and then have my quiet time.  It is hard to have school, or even a "normal" day when it rains....all Jason knows, or has processed is that he woke up with Daddy gone and when Daddy come back, his bubba Jack was forever gone.....so when it rains, Daddy doesn't get away from Jason.....not even for a minute......  There are day's when it's not raining if Paul has been gone longer than Jason can handle, it is a fight to get anything done at all...school or not....because Jason has sensory problems and cannot process that Daddy will be back soon....or that he hasn't really been gone as long as it seems....so it is a keep Jason calm day....you can't do school with that.     It doesn't take much to throw Jason's day off...and there are day's that I can just see the wheels in his head turning....trying to figure all this out...and I just wait and wait and wait...and then the melt down happens.  Because he just cannot process it all.....but he doesn't know how to communicate what is on his mind either.....he's only 4 after all...and 4 yr olds aren't supposed to lose their brother....their hero.   Someday he will put it all together, and when he does, it will help I hope...maybe we can get some of our normal back.....


I will not lie and say that we are "ok"   I don't know if our world will ever be "ok "again....but we are ok.  And I wonder if only someone who has experienced this kind of grief can understand..... And just for clarification, I only blamed God for about a week or two.....and then my anger at Him went away.  I still do not understand why He let Jack die....I probably never will, but I have accepted it.   

We needed our trip though...we needed that reconnect time...as a family, as a husband and wife, as a mother and her children and as a father and his children.  We needed it.   We may need some more before the year is over....and if we do, we will take it.  We have learned that we don't put off until next week what we need this week....if we need a day with Daddy, we take it.  If Momma need's some quiet time, she get's it.  If Kylie needs momma time, she gets it.  We have learned that by taking  one-day-at-a-time, we are making it...slowly,surely, we are making it.

Cryssi